One of my girlfriends and I had always said we’d write a book about our combined tragic relationship history (note publishing houses – feel free to contact me). We are confident no one could top our success in failing so much. It’s actually pretty ludicrous we formulated such a lengthy list of pitiful and pathetic scenarios – I’m struggling to work out how we actually got around to any study for uni or were able to uphold emotionally stable states of mind with all the drama that was going on.
All we wanted was the perfect guy. Why was that so much to ask?
We all know this guy – the one that would rather spend time with you than his friends. The one that would buy you your $2 vodka & oranges when you went out on Student Night. The one that would hold your hair back after said night drinking too many vodka & oranges. And the most romantic gesture of all, the guy that would put together a mix tape of songs – to really prove how awesome he thought you were.
For some reason my friend and I created a pattern of attracting guys that were either emotionally inept, geographically unavailable, held selfish asshole-like qualities, or a strange combination of all three (jackpot!). And there was never a chance of a mixed tape from any of them.
And so, for no other reason than your pure reading/listening pleasure (there are some top-notch tunes here), and the fact that I had nothing better to do than pity our younger selves for getting into such ridiculous situations, I present to you: The Tragically Failed Relationships Mix Tape – a song dedication to each of the failed relationships we found ourselves in (please note I use the term ‘relationships’ extremely loosely).
We hope a few of these scenarios resonate with you (more than one will make us feel a whole lot better). Do yourself a favour and click on the videos – the songs are great but some of the videos are even better e.g., Donna Summer’s tutu needs to be seen to be believed.
The Tragically Failed Relationships Mix Tape
1. The guy that fell asleep mid-first date. (Note he didn’t get a second one)
Wham! “Wake me up before you go-go”
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2. The first love (think high school) that was never, ever, going to work out but you wanted him to desperately be ‘the one’ and you tried your hardest to convince him.
Aretha Franklin – “I say a little Prayer”
3. The guys (plural) that dumped you but then changed their mind and came crawling back just when you finally got over the rejection
Kim Wilde “You keep me hanging on”
4. The guys (plural) you broke up with, or the guys (plural) that broke up with you – due to your permanent paranoia of getting cheated on
Dolly Parton “Jolene”
5. The guy that did cheat, and consequently got dumped
Ray Charles “Hit the Road Jack”
6.The guy that actually did love you and you thought he was ‘it’ – you would marry him and live happily ever after. But he got a bit confused somewhere late in the last stage, dumped you, then shacked up with another women. Jerk.
Basement Jaxx “Good Luck”
7. The guy in the ‘friend’ category that just couldn’t get himself together to get the worthy promotion to boyfriend status – because a) he was useless; b) he was clueless; or c) he was both a & b
Dionne Warwick “That’s what friends are for”
(performed with Stevie Wonder, Luther Vandross & Whitney Houston
8. The long distance relationship that relied heavily on the very recent invention of a thing called the internet, but alas, would still never last.
Phil Oakley “Together in Electric Dreams”
9. The foreigner – even though he lived on the other side of the world you still thought it was somehow possible it could work.
Pink Floyd “Wish you were here”
10. Continuing on the exotic foreign theme – The French backpacker that couldn’t renew his visa. Enough said, *sigh*
Donna Summer “Hot Stuff”
11. The party guy that you didn’t see much other than during ‘party-time’, and if you did he was actually a bit of a bore
Prince “(Party like it’s) 1999”
12. The guy who decided he was gay – damn it, he really had potential.
Peter Allen “Rio”
13. The guy (model) who really was just a handbag, if I was to be completely honest
Right Said Fred “I’m too sexy”
14. The guy that couldn’t make up his mind – Saturday nights he seemed to be interested, but strangely, all through the week, you just wouldn’t hear from him (no matter how many voicemail messages you left him).
Destiny’s Child “Say my name”
15. The hot guy-friend that had a girlfriend and clearly wasn’t interested in you, but you created some sort of weird idea in your head that he should be (think Julia Robert’s running after Dermot Mulroney who is running after Cameron Diaz in My Best Friend’s Wedding)
Mr Big “To be with you”
Share your story! What was the relationship failure and what is the perfect song you’d match to it? Or do have any other song suggestions for our list? ~anna